Humanist Weddings

Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road…
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
Comrade, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?

(Walt Whitman from Song of Myself)

All weddings are humanistic in the deepest sense ~ that is they are reflections of two human beings who are striving to live into a great covenant based on mutual love and respect. A Humanist wedding, in contrast to a religious wedding, is based on this purely human sense of integrity and does not call upon a supreme being to condone the “blessedness” of the marriage. For many people, especially that growing population who consider themselves “spiritual but not religious,” this is an important distinction!


If you are one of those contemporary couples who want to define your relationship outside of the old traditions of God-ordained unions, then seeking a humanist or humanistic basis for your ceremony is a wise step. This does not mean that your ceremony will be lacking in a sense of reverence, elegance or wonder. It means that what is being “worshipped” – that is what is being given worth (the actual definition of that word) – is the Love that has brought two people together in a profound sense of joy and mutual aspiration.

Many Unitarians and Universalists, as well as those embracing Eco-Spirituality, consider themselves Humanists, and there are a wide number of humanist organizations devoted to providing respectful alternatives to the religious ceremonies. As a minister trained at both the Unitarian-Universalist seminary (Meadville-Lombard in Chicago) and in the 3-year program of the Humanist Institute (educational arm of the American Humanist Association) I am deeply committed to making this alternative ritual as rich and beautiful as possible. As a testimony to my ability to create a sense of awe in purely Humanistic terms, I have had many occasions where relatives and guests have come up to me after a wedding to exclaim at how profound they felt the ceremony was, unaware that the word “God” had not been uttered at any time, nor any religious texts invoked.

If you look through the readings I have provided on this website, you will find many examples that are humanistic rather than religious, that convey the full range of expression of awe and wonder at the power of love in human life. Here is an example of a humanist ceremony for you to consider:

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A Humanist Wedding ~ Example

 
Prelude:  Guitarist plays while guests enter and mingle. Grandparents are seated at the front.

 

Processional:  Doors on both sides of the room are flung open and Groomsmen appear from the right and Bridesmaids (led by Ring-Bearer) appear from the left. Minister enters discreetly and stands front and center. Wedding party arrives and enters up front aisle; take positions on either side of Minister. Music changes and Bride (with her parents) and Groom (with his parents) enter and come to front. Parents are seated.

 

Welcome: It gives me great pleasure to welcome you all on this happy occasion to celebrate and witness the marriage of ______ and ____ who now wish to make their vows for a life-long union in the presence of their family and friends. They have written this ceremony themselves to allow them to express to each other, and before us, what this occasion means to them, and the commitments and aspirations they share for the future.

____ and _____ have created this ceremony to express their understanding of love and marriage as they stand on the threshold of this great adventure. They believe that marriage is a journey, chosen by two human beings, based on mutual love and respect that allows an individual to grow more powerfully and more beautifully then if each walked alone. It is the maturing of love, freely given and gladly returned and is both ordinary and extraordinary, because it is about everyday living.  _____ and _____ are grateful that you have chosen to be here and by your presence, honor their decision to go forward on this journey as husband and wife.

 

Honoring the Families: Rebecca speaks about the importance of the generations and the generosity of parents and guardians. As she speaks, Bride and Groom take flowers and bring them to all the relatives in the front row: parents, grandparents, “adoptive” parents, mentors, etc.

When two people come together to add another link in the great chain of the generations, it is right and good that they should give thanks to those who came before them. Today, we give honor to _______________ and _____________,  and all those whose love and support have made this day possible.

 

 

The Image:  The scroll – Declaration of Interdependence (based on the Jefferson text) – is read by the minister and placed on the table where Bride and Groom sign with a flourish. Minister then invites the guests to add their signatures at some point during the reception.

 

The Guests Say their Vows of Love and Support

Today I invite you to share the joy -- the joy of these two people who have found joy in each other. I invite you to hear their understandings of love and marriage. You, their friends, are all especially welcome here because you form a circle of love. ___ and ___ are as they are, in part, because they have known all of you. The loved ones in this circle have shared concerns, they have shared both agreement and disagreement, have shared tears and laughter. Through that sharing, ___ and ___  have become more as persons. You are not just spectators today. You are all a part of their past, and by your presence here, you promise to care with and uphold them as they move into the future. To show your support I ask you to rise now and make your pledge:

Do you promise to love and support _____ and ____ as they begin their new life together? If so, say “We Do!”  ---  ALL: “We Do! “        Please be seated.

 

Reading:

 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare

 

 

Reflection: Rebecca offers some words to the couple

 

The Vows: Couple repeats them line after line from the minister:

 

I, _______, take you _________,
to be no other than yourself.
Loving what I know of you, trusting what I don't yet know;
With respect for your integrity and faith in your abiding love for me;
In all that life may bring us,
I pledge my love.

 

The Rings: Minister asks Best Man for the rings, says a few words….

 

The ring has long been a symbol for marriage. Made from metals drawn from deep within the earth, may these rings remind you that your love, also, must be drawn from deep within you. Forged in heat and with great effort, may these rings remind you that your marriage is also crafted daily and tempered in the forge of daily giving and forgiving. Bright like the sun, may these rings remind you that your love is meant to illumine your lives. Round like arms that embrace, may these rings remind you that human love is a grace upon this world.

 

_______, In pledge of the marriage vows made between us, I offer you this ring. Let it be to you and to me and to all the world, a symbol of the covenant of marriage we have entered into.

 

Words on the Marriage:

 

A Man & A Woman

A man and a woman sit near each other
and they do not long, at this moment
to be older, or younger, nor born in any other nation
or time or place.
They are content to be where they are,
talking or not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have made a promise to love that body.
Age may come, parting may come, death will come.
A Man and a woman sit near each other;
as they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
someone we know of, whom we have never seen.


Robert Bly
(from Loving a Woman in Two Worlds)




Pronouncement

 

As __________ and ___________ have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands, and with the exchange of rings, in the presence of this company, I pronounce them husband and wife.  You may kiss!


Recessional: Music plays and Bride and Groom exit down center aisle followed by wedding party. Minister invites parents to follow immediately after, then explains to guests that they should follow the party back to the hall for a champagne toast. 


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NOTE: Both the Unitarian-Universalist Association and the American Humanist Association are in support of their ministers officiating at same-sex unions. I have been creating ceremonies for same-sex couples for over ten years and feel very strongly that the right to marry the person you love is a fundamental civil right that must not be denied to anyone. If you wish to learn more about this important struggle, please click on the link below.

http://www.uua.org/news/2004/freedomtomarry/

http://www.americanhumanist.org/press/VaticanMarriage.html

I, ______, pledge to you, _____,
to continue the ways that brought us together,
to continue to grow with you,
to continue to learn from our differences,
to continue to be your soulmate in life,
to have faith in what brought us here,
and to be true and good to each other for eternity;
with these vows I have just said,
I promise my love to you.


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I, ____, take you, ____, to be my soulmate and best friend for life.
To love you always - both through our likenesses
and through our differences.
To grow in admiration and respect,
as we begin the story of our life together.


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I, _______, take you _________,
to be no other than yourself.
Loving what I know of you, trusting what I don't yet know;
With respect for your integrity and faith in your abiding love for me;
In all that life may bring us,
I pledge my love. 


  
______, I choose now to stay this path with you,
wherever it leads, whatever the outcome;
To travel with you through the adventures of life,
loving you at my side; in all that we will find,
I pledge my friendship, my faith and my love.


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In the company of our dear family and friends
and with their love and support,
I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband.
To love you and cherish you; to nurture and support you.
To stand by your side as we share life's joys and sorrows,
laughter and pain.
To respect the unique person that you are
and help you to become who you will be.
Throughout our lives and to the end that
our souls shall grow into harmony with the divine.
Thus do I covenant with you and with God.


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I, ______, take you, ______,
in all that I have learned of you
and all that I hope to know.
It is my desire to be by your side
through all of our days ahead,
as we continue our journey together.
In all that life brings us
may we always be embraced in God's loving arms.


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I, ______, take you, ______,
to be my wedded husband/wife;
to laugh with you in joy,
to grieve with you in sorrow;
to grow with you in love;
serving one another and our world in hope and in strength,
so long as we both shall live.


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I, ______, take you, ________,
to be the husband/wife of my days,
to be the father/mother of my children,
to be the companion in my house;
we shall keep together what share of sorrow our lives may lay upon us,
and we shall hold together out store of goodness and plenty and love.
To this I pledge my love.

Today

Today I marry my friend,
the one I laugh and cry with,
the one I have learned from and shared with.

This one I have chosen to support, encourage and give myself to, through all the days given us to share.
Today I marry the one I love.

Rings are an ancient symbol, blessed and simple - a Circle, for love that never ends, a circle for arms that embrace; round like the sun, like the eyes.  These rings made from the metals drawn deep from the earth will remind you that your love is drawn from deep in your heart and remind you of the necessity of grounding your love in passion and compassion and the daily giving and forgiving that makes a marriage  These rings, beautifully crafted, will remind you that your marriage must be carefully crafted, as a work of art. May the bright gold/silver of these rings remind you that your love, like the sun, is meant to illumine; that your love, like the eye, must see clearly, that your love, like arms that embrace, is a grace upon this world.


Minister:  May these rings that you exchange be a token of your love and a symbol of your pledge made here today.

Minister: As the circle of the wedding ring embraces the finger of the beloved, so are we all held in the circle of love. Let us pause and rejoice in the beauty and the majesty of this love and give thanks.
 
Words for the Couple Upon the Exchange of Rings:
 
_______, I give you this ring, in token of my faithfulness and love,
and as a pledge to honor you with my whole being,
 
______, I give you this ring in token of the covenant we have made between us today.
 
In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love,
_______, with this ring, I thee wed.
 
__________, I give you this ring as a sign of my love,
and with all that I am and all that I have, I honor you,
and take you for my husband/wife.
 
_______, In pledge of the marriage vows made between us, I offer you this ring. Let it be to you and to me and to all the world, a symbol of the covenant of marriage we have entered into.
 
_______, I give you this ring as a token and reminder of the vows made here today. As you receive this ring, receive my promise of faithfulness to you.